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Debasement Tapes by Tom Smith

Released on Monday, May 24th, 1999
More lyrics from Debasement TapesFive Years, Alien Adventures, Honey-Glazed Ham, (Min)Barrette, Be Our GOH, Seven Drunken Nights In Space, ConValescence, Sonuva, Instant Clinton (Just Add Whitewater), Barenaked Cockburn, Filk In The Blanks, On The PC, PC 99, Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes, Death Sheep 8, Time Plot, Telly Taley Heart, 500 Hats, Smurfin' Safari,

Callisto Lyrics (by Tom Smith)

To surf on the net, or to surf TV channels,
Over and over, there's been one request:
It's Xena we want, the Warrior Princess,
At least Gabrielle, and we want them undressed.
Now, I have to admit, they're not unattractive,
But if we're talking fantasies, I want the best.

Aye, Callisto, I think that I love you,
You psycho bitch leather queen killer bombshell.
Hai, Callisto, I sing to your spirit,
I'm doing it now, 'cause you're going to Hell.

Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...
Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...

I've noticed a trend in the Xena fan-fiction:
Our heroes are lesbians, friendly and more...
Meanwhile, on the show, they're all into bondage,
Shackles, and leather, and sex on the floor.
If these two trends combine, we'll get... Mistress Callisto...
Enslaving our heroes...
... the ratings will soar!

Aye, Callisto, put Xena in irons,
I hope you take Gabrielle over your knee,
But, why, Callisto, does Xena obsess you?
You do it to her, but I wish it was me.

Aye, Callisto, I think that I love you,
You psycho bitch leather queen killer bombshell.
Hai, Callisto, I sing to your spirit,
An hour with you would be worth any Hell.

Ai-yi-yi!
I-I-olous -- wait, that's the other show...
Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...

(The extra verse and chorus mentioned above)

She once was a babe, a blonde in black leather,
A sexier snuff queen you never would find;
But then came the plots where Xena redeems her,
And now she's all gentle and loving and kind;
Her wings are a joke, and her robes sure are glowing,
Some jerkface producer is out of his mind....

Aiee, Callisto, you're Touched By An Angel,
A cloying self-righteous defender of peace,
I, Callisto, speak for your male viewers:
Corrupt Roma Downey and dump Della Reese.


Buy track Callisto directly from Tom Smith (via Bandcamp).