Released on Thursday, November 4th, 2004
More lyrics from
And They Say I've Got Talent –And They Say I've Got Talent
, Howie's Norvegian Bluess
, Happy Conception Day
, Trans Poly U Fight Song
, The Illuminati Polka
, Dark Country
, The Ballad of Rupert
, Bullet Time
, A Dragon's Lullaby
, Rock Me Amidala
, Talk Like A Pirate Day
, Rich Fantasy Lives
The Great Moonwolf Trap Lyrics (by Tom Smith)
If you go down Indiana way, you can find him there, or so they say,
The living legend called "Moonwolf" -- this song is his.
Give him a hammer, he'll make you a gun; give him a guitar, he'll make you a pun,
But don't give him a girl, he's made enough o' those as it is.
Now, Wolfie's got stories from coast to coast, but this one's a little bit newer than most,
See, last week he saw an ad in the local news,
There was an auction set for Sunday night, and Wolf couldn't believe he was reading right --
Firearms, musical instruments, and antique tools.
Er, I thought the rhyming word was gonna be "booze".
Naaaah. You can't buy liquor in Indiana on a Sunday.
Yeah, well, I've heard you can't buy liquor in Indiana any other day of the week, either.
Why do you think we live next to Kentucky?
It was one of those hazy summer nights that can lead to love or lead to a fight
And it's hard to say which one you'd rather see,
Well, ol' Moonwolf drove his 4-by-4 right up to the red barn's weathered door
When his Wolf Sense started tingling suspiciously.
Unfortunately, it tingles kinda loud -- AWOOO AWOOO AWOO- you get the idea.
Well, it wasn't the seventeen virginal hotties with their sensuous smiles and bodacious bodies,
Heck, that's part of Moonwolf's standard convention rate,
And it wasn't the bottles of Bushmill and Tully, no, it was the rope going over the pulley,
Tied to a stick proppin' open a Wolf-sized crate.
Just then he noticed, between the trees, a spring-loaded platform with a tray of cheese
And a bucket balanced on top of the old barn door,
A bear trap set with a bottle of beer, a target with a sign: "FREE BIRD SEED HERE",
And his Wolf Sense started tingling even more.
AWOOO AWOOO AWOO- damn, that's annoying.
What d'you expect? I was bitten by a radioactive Hoosier.
Wel, yeah but -- Couldn't you at least sprout Ginsu knives from your knuckles or something?
Ehh -- maybe at Christmas,
You could call myself "Adamantium Claus".
Ho ho ho.
Wolf raised his eyebrow and set his jaw, and said real loud, "I can call the Law,
Or you can come out and we can settle this man to man.
Whatever you want, whoever you are, I came for the tools, the guns and guitars,
And if I can't get 'em here, I'll go someplace where I can."
The barn door opened with a creak and a hiss -- Wolf noticed the bucket fell and missed
The mysterious figure silhouetted by a cold green glow.
Well, it wasn't Roper or Grubbs or Sutton, it was tall and blue and had its finger on the button
Of a Moonwolf-talent-stealing remote control.
Y'notice how I get that plot point in there,
Without resorting to a whole buncha mind-numbingly complex exposition?
Sh-heh! This version of this song was three and a half hours, folks.
Hey, hey! I'm saving that for the Director's Cut. Coming out on DVD this November.
Only available from TomSmithOnline.com.
That alien said,
"From beyond the Moon, past Venus and Mars, from the local cluster to the furthest stars,
Is Moonwolf known and feared and loved and adored,
You're a hero and example to all space fellas, and it drove me crazy and I got so jealous
I created a machine in which all your skills will be stored.
I'm a terrible shot and a tone-deaf jammer, with tools I'm all thumbs that I've nailed with hammers,
But with this device I will finally come into my own.
Your blacksmithing tricks, your firearm savvy, your musical licks -- I now shall have! E-
Ven as we speak, I become Moonwolf -- I, alone!
Y'know, there just ain't enough Stan Lee-style psychotic cackling in talking blues.
The hell you say.
Moonwolf sighed and he shook his head, saying "Interesting thought, but didn't you forget
The First Rule of Evil Schemes in a Comedy Song?
All this rantin' and ravin' and pausing to gloat has distracted you so much you failed to notice
That this is the verse where all of this stuff goes wrong."
The alien snarled and aimed his remote, but the stick holding open the crate up and broke,
And the whole thing came down on his foot with a nasty thud.
His eyes bugged out and he yelped and hopped six feet in the air, and his good foot stopped
In the not-quite-forgotten bucket sittin' there in the mud.
The ensuing forty-three-and-a-half seconds
Are a watershed in the history of musical comedy.
Unfortunately, it all happened so durn fast, and the light was so dim,
That what precisely happened has been lost to posterity.
Hey -- you've all seen Road Runner cartoons.
Same shit, different day.
Well, the alien ran like a scalded cat, and was never again seen after that,
And the moral of my story's clear and done.
Don't run an auction and don't have the stuff, don't wave a remote and tell me you're tough,
And don't try to be Moonwolf, 'cause he's the only one.
Heeee's... the only one!
The Great Moonwolf Trap directly from Tom Smith (via Bandcamp).