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The Last Hero On Earth by Tom Smith

Released on Thursday, May 25th, 2006
More lyrics from The Last Hero On EarthWhat If, Mad Scientists United, Warning: Wimbledon!, The Sinister Sixty Strike, Enter The Waffle, You Never Call Me By My Real Name, Boulevard of Broken Genes, Tears of the Kill-O-Tron, Pirate Ninjas From Dino Island, The Terror of Sis Boom Ba, The Romance of George and Al, A Million Light Years From Love, Divided Royalties, Behold the Crossing Guard, When Strikes the Clock, Rules of Enragement, Hey! Didn't You Die?, The Rise and Fall of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III, With Great Power Comes Great Power Bills,

The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III Lyrics (by Tom Smith)

DR. MALLEVO
And who are you, sir?

PROF. CARSTAIRS
How did you get into our secret lair?

SIR WILFRED
Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.

MAD SCIENTIST
I don't recall seeing you here before.

SIR WILFRED
Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground
until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.

I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,

MAD SCIENTISTS
Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?

SIR WILFRED
There's a reason that of me you never have heard,
I'm subtle, whereas you are not.

DR. MALLEVO
Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime,
Everyone here works hidden, unseen,
Advancing the causes of science and crime --

SIR WILFRED
Advancing your egos, you mean!

You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat,
To show off, you'll go any length,
And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat...
Whereas I... I have built up my strength.

MAD SCIENTISTS
This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs?
Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?

SIR WILFRED
Ah, yes. How did the press refer to you? Captain Commando.

You simply don't get it. You don't understand
Concepts too simple for your huge brains.
With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned,
No evidence of me remains.

The heroes don't know of me, nor the police,
No record exists of my name.
And so now, for years, they have left me in peace,
To plan out the ultimate game.

Behold!

MAD SCIENTISTS
Good god!
A mechanical army!
I've never seen androids so sophisticated!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Well, there was that Catherine Zeta-Jones model....

MAD SCIENTIST
There must be fifty of them!

DR. MALLEVO
Sixty.

SIR WILFRED
Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero,
Inexorable in their pursuit.
And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero
At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.

Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex
Will fling him to some nether realm,
While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex...
Leaving us to assume the world's helm.

MAD SCIENTIST
It's Brilliant!

DR. MALLEVO
Visionary!

MAD SCIENTIST
We must announce it at once!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Deliver an ultimatum!

SIR WILFRED
No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?

The key to success is in keeping it quiet
Until we are ready to strike.
Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot
If one of you gets on a mic.

We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum,
To someplace benign, without care,
Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them,
And without the heroes, their armies will fall,
You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall,
By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.

MAD SCIENTISTS
At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys,
The playing field finally fair.
They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes,
And the world will be mine!
No, mine!
No, mine!
No, mine!

DR. MALLEVO
No, mine!

SIR WILFRED
Ahem. MINE!
But I'll share.

[mad laughter, with one punctuating controlled chuckle]


Buy track The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III directly from Tom Smith (via Bandcamp).