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The Last Hero On Earth by Tom Smith

Released on Thursday, May 25th, 2006
More lyrics from The Last Hero On EarthWhat If, Mad Scientists United, The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III, Warning: Wimbledon!, The Sinister Sixty Strike, Enter The Waffle, Boulevard of Broken Genes, Tears of the Kill-O-Tron, Pirate Ninjas From Dino Island, The Terror of Sis Boom Ba, The Romance of George and Al, A Million Light Years From Love, Divided Royalties, Behold the Crossing Guard, When Strikes the Clock, Rules of Enragement, Hey! Didn't You Die?, The Rise and Fall of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III, With Great Power Comes Great Power Bills,

You Never Call Me By My Real Name Lyrics (by Tom Smith)

ANGELA
George?

WAFFLE
Angela! Don't call me that!

ANGELA
It's your name, silly.

WAFFLE
Not when I'm in uniform.

ANGELA
It's not a uniform, it's a costume.

WAFFLE
Uniform.

ANGELA
George...

WAFFLE
You never call me by my real name.

ANGELA
What? I use it twenty times a day.

WAFFLE
No! You call me "George"!

ANGELA
Well, that's what you're called.

WAFFLE
But it isn't what you should say.

ANGELA
Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle",
It's a silly name for fighting crimes.
It won't terrorize the unlawful,
And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes.

WAFFLE
I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken,
But all the really nifty superhero names were taken,
I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot,

ANGELA
You're impulsive and you're ludicrous!

WAFFLE
So I'll work with what I've got!

ANGELA
It's so hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect
And even understand this drive.
And it isn't fair of me to object,
But I hope you'll get out of it alive.

You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout,
And I want to share your life,
But I dread that the headlines will one day shout,
"Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife".

WAFFLE
You've been saving that one up, haven't you?

ANGELA
Variations leap to mind all too easily. But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain.

WAFFLE
Britain? What's going on in --

ANGELA
It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League. You may be the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE
My god, I've got to help them.

ANGELA
Which is why you're the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE
You stay safe till I get back, huh?

ANGELA
Just be sure you get back.

GEORGE
Love you, Angela.

ANGELA
Love you, George.

It's a stupid name, but it fits so well,
For you never knew what you could be,
But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell
Fades away, and a hero's all I see.

You don't want big money, you don't want fame,
You just want to help humanity,
And so, even though I don't like that name...
It's yours. Bring it home to me.

DR. MALLEVO [broadcasting]
People of earth: Fear us! Your heroes are gone forever! Either turn the world over to us, or we will wreak a devastation beyond your most frightened imaginings!

NEWSCASTER
... surrounding Wimbledon, where the villains are headquartered. The energy shield was lowered briefly to allow them to fire a weapon, which transformed a division of tanks into styrofoam, and a team of military sharpshooters into toddlers wearing soft pastel jammies with footies. The standstill continues, with reports that someone was sneaking into Wimbledon while the shield was down....


Buy track You Never Call Me By My Real Name directly from Tom Smith (via Bandcamp).